Courtney's Cavorting

Happy New Year?

2005-01-03T19:21:00.001+11:00

I was reflecting earlier...

I watched The Day After Tomorrow, and then watched an update on the tsunami disaster. It was an interesting combination.

What I thought was most interesting though, was that, the people in Sri Lanka didnt have New Years Eve celebrations. They simply lit candles that were shaped to the numbers "2005." I cant imagine how they must be feeling. Keeping in mind that all people present are survivors of the tsunami. All have dead family and friends, livelihoods taken away from them, homes destroyed, friends homes destroyed and they stood around these candles that said "2005". Can you imagine their devestation at the mere fact they are facing a whole year??? That is so unbelievably tragic some of them must be wishing they were dead.

I wonder what its purpose was...I always question events. Mainly I ask why. Because I think that if some reasonable justification can be given, then it hurts less. I wonder how God feels about it all. I'm glad that He knows why, and not me. I think its a good thing that He doesnt let us in on the secrets of the universe...Its a huge test though. Because when we dont understand we are forced to accept things in blind faith. And thats hard for us. But its strengthening when we learn (and I think we all learn this many times in our life) that we can trust Him entirely. Because no matter what happens, He is always in control and He always understands why.

Isaiah 45:5-7
I am the Lord, and there is no other;
Besides Me there is no God.
I will gird you, though you have not known Me,
That men may know from the rising to the setting of the sun
That there is no one besides Me.
I am the Lord, and there is no other,
The One forming light and creating darkness.
Causing well-being and creating calamity;
I am the Lord who does all these.

Christmas and HSC Antics!

2004-12-23T18:45:00.000+11:00

tim and I had the most hilarious coincidental moment a few moments ago....i said...I got Andrew the most ingenious Christmas present...he said what? i said..."insert gift here" he said..."you know thats funny coz thats what I got him." i said "no way" he said "yes...I said are you serious? he said..'yes.' It liturally took me five minutes to realise that Tim wasnt playing a practical joke on me but that he was being completely seriouis....then I said where'd you get urs? he said "Blah blah blah" I said...seirous? me too...what brand? "blah blah blah" I said me too!

I decided turning 18 has a bit of an anti climax. Not a huge one...its still exciting-its just a bit of an anti climax. because-Nothing really happens...you dont feel different and essentially its just like any other age. Yes I go to jail instead of juvi, and I dont really consider that a good thing..yes I can buy alcohol..But I havent been ID'd once so I could have been buying it before.

Other anti climax..UAI. Like I absolustely believe that everyone got what God wanted, because just talking to people from school it truly has worked out perfectly and where its not what people hoped/thought it would be-whether for good or bad-it makes sense that God has other plans. So in that instance "Woohoo, God is SO faithful and Good..." But besides that...its jsut a random number. And essentially it truly is a random number, because the way they manipulate the marks u get, if they felt like it, they could give you whatever they jolly well felt like at the time. But hey, I know they dont. They do their best...Whoever they are.

My irony for the week...month...year actually! I sat out most of the year saying..."I'm not stressed about the HSC, it doesnt matter to me, on an eternal scale it means nothing!" Well post exams I ahve been having enormously distressing pain in my jaw resulting in migraine like headaches-a consequence of grinding my teeth out of stress during exams...

Merry Christmas and God Bless everyone!

2004-11-26T11:38:00.000+11:00

I'm thinking about change. Some change is really exciting. Some change is really sad. Some change is bitter sweet. Some change is way necessary. Overall I think change is a good thing. Even if the change is someone moving away or dying, you become stronger for it and most people become better people. You can let change affect you badly but if that's the case, then I think the change hasnt been overcome or dealt with.

I think change can become a crutch though. Some people are continually changing themselves through the way they dress, their religions to try and find peace, stability, something that makes them happy. For some people change is escapism. People use change to run away from problems and not deal with issues that are haunting them.

I've also been thinking about plastic surgery. I wonder what God thinks of plastic surgery. I'd really like to have a good heart to heart with him about it! Essentially, I think I am really strongly against elective plastic surgery because I think it shows that people place too much emphasis on the importance of a good appearance. I'm not so much angry about it as I am sad. It just shows how our society has its priorities completely upside down. Many celebrities have said that poeple should do what makes them happy, because life is too short to be miserable and if a little bit of plastic surgery is what it takes then why not? How about that??? We have come to a place where people rely on their looks and plastic surgery to be happy. Thats really, really sad. Plastic surgery doesnt change people's hearts or minds, but its a symptom of insecurity. For people who continue to get plastic surgery, I think their problems are more profound. I think that they are trying to change from the outside in, instead of from the inside out. I feel really sorry for them. think of Michael Jackson. We all know he had a hard childhood. But, imagine what it could have been like for him going to the plastic surgeons the first time to get his nose changed a little bit. And it worked, and he felt better about life, so he went back and when he was feeling a little down for a lift, and maybe it made him feel better again. Imagine how devestating it would have been for him, when the plastic surgery went wrong.

There are suspisions that John Kerry got Botox during the presidential election. I dont think a little bit of plastic surgery is bad, I jsut think its sad that people feel they need it. That people waste their money on it. AND most of all, that people are prepared to risk their health on it because we dont know the long term effects of plastic surgery. This one particular shock therapy thing that kills wrinkles, might be crows feet that it gets rid of, is like an electric shock and the strength of the muscle that your trying to paralyze determines the strength of the treatment. The fact that electric shocks kill people isnt enough to deter some from having this stuff aimed near your brain.

I admit I'm being slightly hypocritical, because I love getting dressed up and pampering myself. One of the reasons I loved the formal so much was because I got to get dressed up. I'm sure one day that I will stand in the mirror and go, bother, I've got wrinkles. And I will desire to have plastic surgery...but I know the only reason is out of insecurity. I believe that the Lord, not only can overcome these insecurities within us, but that He wants to overcome them.

The ways of the Lord overcome all things in the world.

2004-11-17T14:54:00.000+11:00

Ahhhh! I'm so excited I dont know where to start!

I finished exams...
Went to the womens thing at church last night...
Formal tomorrow!

Ahhh! Excitement plus!

Im having a treatment at the hairdressers at 9am, off to laurens hairdresser at 10am, makeup with beck at the mall at 12noon, then back home...maybe for some lunch...even tho make up will be on...and then off to the pres at about 2.30 i think. From the pres will come home to see family and take photos before graduation at about 4pm. At 4.30 Will go to the school where we will "ahhh" with everyone again and then gradtuation until about 6pm, from there at 6.30 off to the zoo...we will dance, have dinner, photos at the zoo and then come back to the area on the bus! From there to Macy's at neutral bay we go to have coffee and feel beautiful being all dressed up! Plans are a bit hazy after that...but its gonna be SO MUCH FUN! I cant wait!

Oh little side note....virtually everyone at the formal is wearing black! The more people you talk to, the more you discover are wearing black! But that way we can say, it was black tie, and everyone not wearing black isnt appropriately dressed!

I wonder how many people will get spray tans...i dont know what I think of those. I dont think I could do it because I dont think I would suit a fake tan but also because i have sensative that will probably react badly....

P.S. I love Becks fringe!

2004-11-08T17:08:00.000+11:00

I wonder if I will rejoin the world of people once the my exams are over...or will I remain in this state of half awareness? I hope I rejoin the world...I dont like that things seem to be passing me by unnoticed. A couple of years ago I heard a lady say...."as I get older my brain gets dumber." Even though i'd heard that for years, I'd never heard anyone admit it before. I hope its not that my brain is getting dumber which is making me be only half aware.

2004-10-31T15:47:00.000+11:00

Where did the year go?

2004-10-26T14:48:00.000+10:00

"Although not directly religious, these curious spiritual images bring a reader back to the origin of this technical literary term 'Epiphany', meaning the coming of the Magi to Jesus at Bethlehem."

2004-10-21T20:40:00.000+10:00

Tomorrow is Friday...and on a Friday morning at 7.30 I used to have maths, with Sally and Lauren and our wonderful christian maths teacher...

Sally hasnt been in our maths class for a while...but I just realised then, that, she and I will never fog our glasses over a cup of tea in that class again! And now I'm all emotional about leaving school again.

I miss our modern history teacher who baked for our monday morning class..she made THE BEST choclate muffins...

I miss laughing in English with Lauren (my other lauren friend) we never did any work, but when we were given sheets to read, we would sit together and read words alternatively...it was SO funny. We werent much liked at the end of the year, but we had fun!

I miss extension (i dont think i can spell) english and our lessons on love from our wonderful teacher! He gave us the greatest advice and we had the funniest conversations about romance and death with him. I also miss that I dont have an outlet for expressing all my hate and anger towards chauvanism.

I miss our year advisor and her wonderful laugh and caring delicate ways.

I miss sitting out the front of assemblies with my fellow captains and paying no attention to the principals while we laughed ourselves stupid.

I dont miss Japanese...I regret (oh yes I used the r word) Japanese because I screwed it hard.

And Geography was just boring so I dont miss that...even though our teacher was a champion and he told us funny stories about his life and the Tony's that lived near him and those that he used to work with.

I miss my wonderful Oak Tree people...

I never got to eat everything in the canteen...

Having said all that...bring on the exams...the more we do the closer we come to freedom and I cannot wait to stop feeling guilty for not being absorbed by the HSC. I just found my justification for not being absorbed by the HSC and why I dont need to justify myself...I know that God has my life in His hands...He has planned everything to happen the way it has happened and the way it will happen. Hence why I dont need to be consumed by the HSC and its not my attitude that needs to change; its the world's!

2004-10-21T20:00:00.000+10:00

I turned 18 yesterday. And I was woken up by this almighty beep beep beep beep beep beep at 12.30am! It was a wonderful friend of mine wishing me well into adulthood! (No sarcasm intended) Thinking back on it, it was such an interesting day in the way God chose to bless me. We had our second English exam and so we all were very focused on retaining information until we got out of the exam! But I was able to enjoy all my hugs and Happy Birthdays before the exam and still remember the stuff for the exam! Mind you, if I've forgotten it I'm not gonna remember that I've forgotten it...but the exam went fine and thats good enough for me!

The thing that touched me most was, the random people who I was best friends with throughout high school, that bought me flowers and other presents, even though we arent close anymore. I often wonder in my family, why we celebrate birthdays...is it because we are celebrating that person's existance or is it because its a responsbility and we dont want them to feel forgotten on their birthday. But with these people it was so obviously that we are still special to each other that drove them to being so caring towards me yesterday, because they had no responsibility to remember my birthday...but they did. And it was such an amazing blessing!

I love that about God! He finds the most awesome ways to bless us. He knows what will mean so much to us and what we will remember and what will touch us most. Knowing that He goes out of His way to do these things for us in love is such a blessing in itself. There's so much to say about God that there really arent words.

2004-10-11T19:31:00.000+10:00

I can feel myself going insane...hehehe....imagine what it would be like to deliberately blow your HSC exams...deliberately write the wrong thing...deliberately answer the wrong questions...write the examiners sermons on how Jesus died for them...write song lyrics...and use vocaublary items that you are sure they will not read elsewhere while marking! (not rude words though) You could seriously make their day in some ways! I think it would be so much fun, to, for three hours while everyone elses hands die as they scramble to write everything, you could sit there and have a great time amusing yourself-imagine not being able to contain your laughter in an HSC exam!

...temptation....

2004-10-02T19:34:00.000+10:00

I've had a fabulous week! Its been busy tho! Spent the first 3 days of holidays studying and then was unable to on Tuesday because I was so busy...forget why...and then went to Peal Beach where we studied! It was fabulous! And as motivated as we were, God was helping us as well! It rained and was gloomy every single day! And this meant that we couldnt go to the beach...and so we were forced to stay inside and hence study! Thanks God!

Have been having massive revelations as to how incredibly important love is. And I love, love actually...after returning from Pearl Beach I discovered that my mum and brother had hired it! And so I've watched it twice already! That's such a fabulous movie! And as sad as this is gonna sound, it would be so interesting to study in English!

Oh my goodnes...funniest thing ever! (maybe!) Sal, Beck and I went via Umina to get some food for the trip home to Sydney from pearl Beach. literally as we were driving out of it, there was this....CLANG...clunk, clunk, smack, bang bang.....all going on under my car...What was that? Was the popular question...and I said "Must have hit a pot hole" and Sal and BEck went, no something fell off the car! So I found a park...and we ran back...through the rain...to retrieve a piece of my car! When we reached the place of the road it happened, we stopped because it was no longer there. Then this guy standing on the other side of the road holds it up and calls out to us! Turns out it was only the grill! But that made it a true road trip! And as there was no room in the boot...and apparently none in the back, it had to sit next to Sal in the front! We were so wet by this time tho...as we had to pack the car in the rain! fabulous fun!

2004-09-28T13:49:00.000+10:00

Sleep deprivation is two things to me right now...

1) THE MOST annoying way to exist-there is nothing more annoying than when you are lying in bed, tired, with the intent of going to sleep (because otherwise you wouldnt be in your bed) and you just cant.

2) Makes the world seem like an evil, disgusting, black hole, voidish kind of place!

2004-09-22T19:04:00.000+10:00

Oh my goodness....tomorrow is the last day of my school life ever. No longer will I see everyone, in my year and others together in the same place...no one will ever be that accessible again and i will never see all my wonderful buddies again so frequently ever...we're not just gonna be at the same place for the same reason...humph. I'm gonna miss that. School has given me so much...there have been so many opportunities. I'm so grateful for my teachers and for the loads of work that they put in, for the way they care about us, and for their food! There will be no more sing alongs with lauren in the quad at roll call or recess while we watch the rest of the year play handball. There will be no more japanese lessons where we stuff our faces...there will be no more boring english lessons where lauren h and I kill ourselves laughing and read our work alternating saying one word at a time...there will be no more attacking scott in geography! there will be no more laughing my way through modern history....there will be no more blogging in the library while i should be studying, no more wife jokes with david, eleni and alicia...

on the bright side, i wont have to sign my name everyday just to certify that im here, i wont have to have a mortal fear of standing under trees for what the birds will do to me...i wont ahve to continue to buy new stockings...i wont have to glue my socks to my legs...I HOPE NO MORE GETTING UP AT 6.30...there'll be no more apologising for laughing profusely (I wonder if thats the right use of that word)...lol...i wont be on the notice board at glenrose anymore...WOOHOOO.

Praise God for school...THere were times when all I wanted was for it to be over...but looking back its been so fabulous...I've had that much fun overall...Praise God that He sees the big picture and can give us endurance to make us keep going even when we wanna give up...because He has the best for us!

2004-09-21T14:58:00.000+10:00

If you had about 700 teenagers all together...and were in a position where you had to deliver a speech and you could say wateva you wanted...what would you want to say?

I wanna talk about Jesus at tomorrows yr 12 farewell assembly...YEH RIGHT! Isnt that a shame tho...that as compelled as I feel to say Jesus loves you, I know that I wont. I wanna deliver some sort of lasting, rivetting, not standard speech that will teach them all a lesson, and all they're gonna be thinking about it...why do I have to be here, this in no way affects me, I cant wait to go home and watch tv...blah blah blah blah! I could go on about how many fabulous opportunities the school has provided and how the teachers are wonderful, but that can be done by others and there is no more important message than the message of Jesus. And that is the one thing I feel bound not to say...besides perhaps, Burn the School and all the jokes about teachers!

Fourth Last Day of School

2004-09-20T15:13:00.000+10:00

Today was fabulous! It was a fabulous last Monday of school! I didnt start until 9.30, but I went up early because theres always something to do, someone to talk to (or blogs to read!) My first class was Modern History, and our teacher baked for us! She's baked for us every single Monday of the year I think, and whenever there was a birthday she always made cake! Completely seriously, she has got to be one of the best teachers in the state. So we de-briefed over Yugoslavia, and talked about Australia becoming a republic, and interestingly today, everyone was really hungry so we were munching away of our muffins! WE also learn about SATO, the Southern version of NATO which no one knew existed! I spent some of this time sleeping because I was very tired today! Then it was recess, and I was organising a cheque for the caterers from the Oak Tree Dinner...and then I was talking to Beck and Lauren. THats always fabulous! Then I had a free, and Beck and I talked til about half way through (well not quite!) and then I interrupted her Senior Science class to get a note for the cheque signed by the teacher. And then Beck scared me while I was sitting in the library reading emails...I was compeltely oblivious to the fact that she had walked into the room, because I was talking about prophecy and then she scared me! I have to commend her for that effort! Its not that its hard to scare me (quite teh contrary) its just that she had to walk so far quietly so I didnt notice her-and she succeeded! I'm way impressed!

Then to English we went! Still laughing about the drama from last night! And then randomly ended up watching a movie in my classroom because our classes joined!

At lunch we had a singing practise for the piece we're doing at our final assembly on wednesday! Its an arrangement of 2 crowded house songs! It should be good...commmunity singing is so much fun!

Off to maths we went, and all three 2 unit maths classes were joined...I dont reckon we had been sitting down having the head teacher talk at us for more than 5 minutes before Lauren and I got told to shut up and leave if we werent interested! That meeting finished and we were sposed to go to class, instead we decided to sit and talk, and then we eventually went, but only 2 other people were there. SO we talked to the subsitute teacher we had who told us all about HECS and how you can still be very successful if you dont do well in the HSC and thats its a pain in the bum if you wanna swap uni courses coz of all the money you waste and stuff! It was very informative...I've realised I dont know much about Uni stuff...none of the organisational or anything.

Last class was geography and Lauren escorted me to that class for the last time, which was lov-e-ly of her. Brunners (the teacher) handed us these FATTY geographt revision packages! he has done so much work for us-and destroyed the amazon as well! We got new syllabus sheets, then 2 skills revision packages, then every single possible essay we could be asked PLUS plans for all those essays! Then we got the last 3 years HSC papers-and they're big booklets as well! We were fully stoked because he just made our lives SO much easier...BUT ON TOP OF THIS...he randomly goes to us-Oh I've just gotta go get something, and he comes back armed with Coke and Cake! And then we had a toast! He proposed the toast, saying you know, I've done all I can for you and I truly wish you all the luck in the world, and that you'd do well in the exams and you are all so capable of getting fantastic marks and I hope all your dreams come true, and look after yourselves! Wow! He's so good to us! And then we had a class photo because I was feeling sentimental and I just happened to have my camera there! And then we were done!

3 DAYS TO GO! Its way exciting! Study is calling me!

2004-09-20T11:30:00.000+10:00

I've been very challenged to submit to God. Its gonna be interesting.

2004-09-19T17:18:00.000+10:00

Oh my goodness....4 days of school left...i wish i could stop time right here. It so unbelievable! Im taking my camera everywhere! Even stupid places but i dont care anymore! I almost cried before...and then i found photos and letters from years ago and that made it worse! It is very exciting though...this is nervous blogging....I'm pretty sure I've blogged all this before....but its nervous blogging. Theres nothing to be done...I'm jsut gonna go out...trust in God to get me through and always have a large supply of tissues!

2004-09-17T15:46:00.000+10:00

I had an interesting thought today. If someone sins, and repents of that sin and they are forgiving others, God will forgive them. As brothers and sisters in Christ, as we confess our sins to one another and encourage each other to do the Godly thing, once we know that sin is forgiven, should we be living as if it hasnt happened? Many people remain bitter and conscious of the things that others do wrong and essentially that means they havent forgiven...But when God forgives He also forgets. Or does he? Because it goes on our permanent record (it'll come up on judgement day) and also, often guilt and regret accompany sin and these illustrations also pop up in sermons right...so if its on our mind, it must be on Gods and so here, its not so much that God forgets as it is that He goes on as if it hasnt happened. Because this way, while He knows that it happened, He exists as if it didnt, just as He would if He really did forget. Is that what we should be doing? I would say yes...because I think that as we love one another as Christ loves us-as much as we can-we should not allow barriers to be built. Essentially I would say, well once you've forgiven, then barriers shouldnt exist, but I think people truly can forgive people, but go "oh but it still happened, and its not the same as if it hadnt." But God wouldnt live like that. He exists as if it hadnt. (At least in my theory above.) AND because Jesus came to destroy the works of the devil for all those that abide in Him, that sin no longer exists or matters. Should we be living as if all past sin doesnt matter? I like the idea of that...because it means complete freedom from sin...no judgement and no guilt...but its dangerous because we could start believing that sin doesnt matter...and clearly it does because the bible raves about how if you love God and abide in Him you obey Him. My query still stands: SHould we be living as if all past sin doesnt matter? Is that true forgiveness?

Today we had our last Friday! This is so surreal...I cant believe that we are finally leaving school! Its quite amazing I think how the present can become the past...how your life now and everything that matters to you can just change and not be important anymore. And everyone always says how they lost touch with all their friends from school...BUT I SO DONT WANT TO....I desperately want to stay in touch with my friends. I feel so blessed because at school all my best friends are my christian/church buddies...I have to say how much of an amazing blessing its been, being all together over these years, having so much history, so many fantastic memories, being able to encourage and build each other up so much over the years...Truly Gods plan, Truly His blessing for us-He rocks so much that He pulled that off!

I'm so crying next week when we leave! I can feel the tears coming on already!

2004-09-16T10:12:00.000+10:00

ohhhhhhhhhhh! So many lasts! I have 6 days and 3 periods of school left EVER! And yesterday I had my last Japanese lesson with our teacher EVER! We gave him a card and all wrote messages and when he finished reading them he had a tear in his eye! it was so emotional, and we all had lumps in our throat. It was fabulous though, we didnt do any work, just had a party and sat round and talked and laughed (we do so much laughing in that class!) It was the end of an era and we all knew it! Everyone is so special to everyone else in there and together it just rocks and we were all really sad to know that we can never have that time together in the same circumstances...and with that theres a little fear for everyone over whether or not we can ever have this fun together because we wont have the same circumstances. I think we can though, because last night we also had a dinner together (a last years Japan trip reunion) and it was one of the funniest nights of my life. WE just laughed all night. From the time we I picked up the second person, we were screaming and laughing the whole way there. Then we had so muchg fun parking because Courtney cant reverse park and then we were late to dinner because of it and my friend had to cop abuse from all these drivers once we decided we couldnt do the park and she couldnt stand there anymore saving it for us. We had a fabulous Japanese dinner which we had to cook ourselves over the hot place thingy and the flames were always jumping up at us trying to eat our hands! Then we took lots of photos and talked to our teachers and laughed some more. And we kept eating even though we werent hungry. Then we had ice cream and we ate that too! Played musical chairs so that we could sus out our teachers date! Then we went for a walk to help digest all the food wed eaten, and found a very abusive note on my car from someone that wasnt happy about my parking, even though it was perfect! And theyd also poured lotion all over the car...which is weird! Then we kept walking and I had to piggy back my friend because she was dying and that was fun! And then we chilled at the cafe and played all the hand clapping games that you play when your in year 2. And there was this cute french guy sitting in the cafe laughing at us, who we enjoyed laughing about having his attention all night! He came out to talk to us, but we were leaving when he did, so all we had time to realise was that he was french! We went back to the car after desperately talking all the girls out of going and talking to this guy and getting photos with him and stuff...so we decided instead we would drive past the cafe and scream "orevua" out the window...we did, but he wasnt there anymore! The car trip home was fun...God is so good, everyone thought we were way lost at one point, but it turned out that we werent and he just got us home. I was able to because of God enjoy laughing with everyone in the car and still drive and concentrate. And I knew that would be a challenge-but it was fine!

Last night was such an incredible blessing. Everyone is not a christian, and there are people of different religions there as well...but we were still so community andl loving and were still all so special to each other. Its a shame, knowing that, that religion causes so many wars. And yeh sure, I'm a christian and I've found the truth. But everyone else believes that about their religion. ANd because its such a big deal, it causes so many problems. Love overcomes all things. Just like it says in corinthians. And thats exactly what enables this group of people to have so much fun together and to overlook our differences. Is love...If only we all always remembered that.

2004-09-11T13:12:00.000+10:00

Ive been blogging for four months and I have 30 blogs. Thats almost 8 blogs a month. That feels like a poor effort.

Im really tired. I know because I can feel it and because when i get really tired my voice gets croaky and husky.

The Oak Tree Dinner went so well last night! I feel so blessed by it, spiritually, emotionally (not physically because my feet still hurt) and also i scored a box of chocolate! hehehe

My Aunty is here from Adelaide...they heard all about Davidsons contrivertial rock eistedfodd performance over there as well! Im so impressed by her! She's awesome! Shes really kind and chatty and interesting-shes been living in London for a good year and a half...and she's SO stylish! She has the most fabulous hair cut!

I really felt as though the Oak Tree Dinner was such a success last night! We had so much help from people. Setting up, packing up...It was fabulous! Certainly made things a lot easier for me, because sometimes people can be really unhelpful and leave everything to a couple of people...but I dont feel like anyone did that.

Last night there one of the mums whos son was playing in the band grabbed me before she left. She was so nice to me and she was saying things that (I didnt think much about at the time) but have touched me so much now. I reckon those words could only have come from God, because I so reckon I needed to be reminded that whatever I do next year will be fine..and more than that, that God has my future. I dont think shes a christian, but the message she delivered was still very much from God I felt.

Oh and I'd like to thank Beck for her clothes...

2004-09-07T17:42:00.001+10:00

I cannot wait for school to be over...

2004-09-07T17:42:00.000+10:00

I took a friend to the physio the afternoon because she had a knee reconstruction yesterday! We had a good time! Lots of laughing! I got to drive a purple box of a car! I've decided that I really enjoy driving other peoples cars...and little cars are really easy to drive! I was sitting there watching the physio prod and poke her knee and then he was making her work her muscles and man she looked uncomfortable and when she had to put a contraint bandage on her knee at the end as she was pulling it up it fell out of her grasp and SNAPPED onto her knee....boy did she howl! When i was 12 a horse fell on my knee and I went through some fabulous physiotherapy as they regrouped my muscles so that they all sat properly again and taught me how to walk on my first session again (because my muscles were screwed!)and then i was on crutches and we put strength back in my knee. As I was sitting there watch her go through all this I was smiling and cringing and laughing and my knee started aching because I was remembering how scary physios are because you sit there and just go "YOURE GONNA HURT ME NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" It was so hard to watch...but thats ok...we got through! And im just grateful not to be in her position. Last week at bible study Sally and Gavin taught us about healing and then we had a time of healing and Riley's back was healed...and Im yet to hear about Mary Annes healing, but Beck tells me that I ahve to make sure I scream! And so I'd really like a chance to pray for this chick to get healed...shes not a christian...so itd be good to do...I doubt well get a chance somehow!

3 days til Oak Tree DInner! I am so way excited!

2004-09-03T11:33:00.000+10:00

Today I feel happy! I dont remember if I woke up feeling happy...but once I was at school, I just remember smiling lots...and feeling joy in my heart (and now I will be sick!) I lived virutally the whole of last term with the joy of the holy spirit...and then the joy went away. And today I feel is again! And I'm so glad...and grateful...and happy! Theres really no particular reason...well now I think that perhaps its that today, I know that I am in the Lords hands! Yay! And my mind is clear, no more confusion, so I wont keep asking God heaps of questions! Yay!

Oh and...Lauren and I worked in maths today! We havent done that for so way long! Its not a good habit, especially with 3 weeks to go, but we have so much fun. Hopefully we can keep working now. I'm verging on saying right now, that doing maths is more important than having fun...hmmm!

Death. I wish there was something that people could say when someone dies to make it better. not completely better, because I think that while its so sad that grieving is fun, because it makes you feel better. (I'm not sure where to put this comment, but my thought is that, I feel pathetic talking when someone has died...words feel so week) It would be nice if when someone was grieving someone there was something you could say that would make them feel better, rather than just saying "ohhh" or "you poor thing" or "im so sorry" and stuff like that. Having said all this, I think we use words for so much that sometimes its good that we cant. And I thinks thats really significant because words are so easy to summon..and we cant always find the right words but we can always say something. But when it comes down to it, what do words mean? Actions speak louder than words, a picture speaks a thousand words, practise what you preach (man can that be hard)...words are forgotten, you cant see words...hmmm...that was an interesting statement. Often, in the hardest times, words just dont cut it. People turn to hugs and support and spending time with someone just because they can and theres nothing else that can be done. People get together they dont sit on the phone. So why do we use words so much the rest of the time? yeh we communicate, but I just think its interesting that we use speech so much and perfect the art of talking when, when it really matters we cant always use them. So I guess my question is, should we be perfecting other things instead of talking whilst times are good, thus when they get bad we know how to use them? Or is it that we use words so much you need to pull out something extra special when it matters? And if we didnt talk so much, would words mean more?

hehehe!

2004-09-02T21:06:00.000+10:00

Kirstys blog was very thought provoking for me. The guy she talks about leads his life for Christ. But he does not live it perfectly. And something that I felt when I read it was how inadequate I feel my own walk is. Not because, "I wish I could have their life" But because I wonder how people respond to the fact I'm a christian. Everyone in my grade knows I'm a christian...And I'm fairly open about it when I meet someone new, i let them know from the onset that I go to church and bible study...(and I'm right now wondering if I should do that, or if I should let my actions speak for me)...I'm wondering if I did let my actions speak...and if my actions do speak, do they emulate Christs love, gentleness, kindness, generosity, equality....The thing I'm particularly wondering is...does my opinionatedness and my comfort in speaking my opinions, and my passion (all associatives) come across in a respectful way...or in a way that is stubborn and disrespectful of all others.

I have a non christian friend who likes to pull me up when I do the wrong thing, who knows that I rely on God and that I lean on my understanding of Christ and the bible...Around her I particularly feel that my actions have to be up to scratch, because, as she understands that I live my life proclaiming Christ through my words I should live up to that...and I will never do that without fault. In fact I wont even ever do a good job of that...and thats really hard, because if in the Lords strength i possibly could, that would be an incredible witness to her.

Thought: My walk with Christ is not about what people think of it, it is what it is with God and what others think doesnt matter. God sees my heart, God judges fairly and justly and my actions will be judged...will my heart?

other thought: Together we represent Christ. Everyone has their part to play in the body...everyones strengths/gifts are complimentary...We cant represent CHrist wholly individually because we all have faults, but together we represent more of the good parts of Christ?

Something I heard at a conference at the very beginning of the year, was that "true faith is life chaning." And I think I agree with that. And now I have a whole bunch of questions...There are many christians in the world who do not lead lives that would make people question their beliefs, because first and foremost they have accepted the values of the world and responded to them by taking them on. But they have got faith...the believe in God. Forgiveness is dependant on repentance..repentance is turning from sin...in the Lords strength we overcome these sins. So...does that mean that, until someone is repenting they dont have true faith? Loving the Lord is not enough...He has to be taken on...put number one in your life...

...hmmm...If I was a non-christian and I read that I'd go...that is exactly why I dont want to be a christian. And thats a real shame...because its when you take God on, and put Him number one i your life that you become truly happy. In his love peace, security, freedom and true happiness are all found. Its so interesting that the best decision you can make, the decision where true freedom is found, has had an imagine of being the fattest restriction ever cast on the world.

My favourite of those is freedom! Because theres no only freedom from sin, freedom from fear...but theres also freedom to be yourself! And you know what else...God wants these things for us, God has granted us these things...

Satan has made a relationship with Jesus seem like a binding steel contract with HEAPS AND HEAPS of terms and conditions and fine print...When we are promised abounding love (and in that freedom) and have to meet no standards and yet the world promises that no matter what you do, someone will always bring you down and hate you...and there are so many terms and conditions!

The more you discover about God the more perfect He becomes!

2004-08-30T12:46:00.000+10:00

I wish I could remember my dreams because when I wake up in the morning I remember that there was something really wise said in my dream and I want to remember it because I can learn from it. What's interesting though is that,that happens when I pray about my sleep. Once my modern history teacher was talking about God and said something really wise and true about Him (and I dont think shes a christian) and the other night it was Alicia while she was talking to me and Beck. And the worst part is is that I wake up and remember it for an instant and then forget it. Oh well!

Life is so interesting! People can be such blessings to each other...and then people can do a lot of harm-even when they dont intend to. People can save lives and destroy lives. And yeh I know that was stating the obvious. Theres so many different types of people on this earth. And in a sense I think its really a shame that you can never know all of them. How hard would that be though! And I wonder whether you'd get along with more people or clash with people more.

What's the real world like? Is it really as bad as everyone says? Or is it not that bad? Because I dont think I'm going to Uni next year I will have to find a job of some kind to support myself so that I can do all the travelling that I would like to do.

I cant wait til school is over. I cant wait til the formal! I cant wait til schoolies! I cant wait til summer-because that is that time all of this other stuff will happen! And as sad as leaving school will be BRING IT ON! I'm over it. But what I think I am most over is the fact that I am over being here because I'm not committed to it. I havent studied much at all this year...and with only 19 days and 2 periods to go I am still not studying and I really cant see the studying thing taking off....its funny the way that as the years gotten on the grades become used to doing everything last minute so that now when you leave things to the last minute its not quite as stressful! hehehe! I have to do a Japanese assessment tonight.

My mums a funeral consultant and she comes home with the most interesting stories. A lot of them are incredibly sad but they are so interesting. Its unbelievable how so many people die alone in this world. Who's family is so small, who have so few friends-often these people have to come in from overseas to arrange the funeral. I guess in a sense its made me realise how lucky I am but I also wonder who they were...and what they were doing in this country if all their fam and stuff were overseas...what was so attractive about this place. And the biggest question is always...Did they know Jesus?

A house near my street burnt down on the weekend. I've never seen a burnt down house before. Its kinda disturbing. Even half their car was gone too...The house has fallen in on itself and theres yellow firemans tape around it. I can only imagine how traumatic that would be. What would you save? What would you think to do first? All weekend though there were people coming to and from the house, obviously family and friends who were looking after children and giving them support and stuff. I wonder how it happened...when it happened...everyone survived thankfully.

Arranged Marriages

2004-08-27T16:01:00.000+10:00

This chick I used to know (who is my age) is getting married in like a week. For religious reasons. I dont quite know what to think. I gues essentially the thing is that I can only imagine what it would be like to have that much of your life controlled, and to not have ANY freedom. I often have a little whinge about how my parents disappoint me when they take too much of an interest in my life and are too controlling and not supporting where I'd like them to be. And as much as I'm sure my father would like to pick my future husband he never would...and he might like to get together with his brothers, their sons and my brothers and pay the guy a friendly visit (it would be comical-they're all well over 6 foot!) ... but he never would! But to have a pre-arranged marriage since forever, and to have no say in it...the injustice of it...imagine being a puppet...with a brain...How unhappy would you be? How worthless would you feel, just to be passed from one family to another...and to never know any other way, and to see everyone else making these choices....God does not even control his children this much...or in this way. This decision could make her miserable for the rest of her life...the elders that made this decision did it because its tradition and probably because they think its for the best...and yet God KNOWS BEST and does not force his ways on us.

Question: In a country that boasts equality and freedom to live your life as you choose, where the government has no right to force people to live a certain way, why are others? Why is this allowed in a country where the right to choose is so embedded in our idealogy/psycosis/and way of life???

People are aware of injustices such as rape and murder and starvation and stealing (and many others) and GOOD, because these things need to be dealt with...there needs to be people tackeling these issues...But why are we doing something about the people that are dictating how others live? That was Bush's excuse (sorry, personal opinion) for going into Iraq...so he launched a war to go after one bad guy and kill thousands of innocents. But is that justifiable either?

I dont believe anyone has the right to take away the life of another because no one chooses to live, it is the one right, no matter where you come from no one fights for before its given, you just get given it. There is no choice in the matter...thats just the way it is..so who has the right to take anothers primal right away? And absolutely I thinks its probably better to live than to have no life, but where does life begin and end when you arent able to make simple choices or live the way you choose?

2004-08-25T17:00:00.000+10:00

The Oak Tree Dinner that we're doing at Davidson is coming along so well. God has had his hand over it the whole time and in every way!

we almost lost our venue the other week because some people had had it booked months prior to when we were booked over the top of it. And for no apparent reason they moved off our date when they were told that we wanted it!

Then we were having so much trouble finding caterers and getting someone cheap and we were gonna have to buy drinks and desert separate and organise them ourselves..and then carmen found some people who are gonna do it for us, for a very cheap price and we're getting drinks, food and desert!

So far all printing of flyers and advertising stuff has been free!

When we went looking for sponsors it was very successful. God really opened up the peoples hearts for us!

For a while now I have been coming back to the same question. What am I going to do next year? And I've found myself not pondering this question because of the dinner and having HSC exams and stuff. But I was back on it shortly today. I've got my ideas and now I just need to pick!

People say the funniest things when they're not with it! hehehe...the things that come out of peoples mouths when they dont construct sentences well...and when they try to be overly smart! ahhh...makes life interesting.

22 days more of school forever! And less than 3 months til all my exams are over! Its rather daunting, kinda like standing on the edge of a cliff and knowing that you have to jump. But I havent ordered the parachute thats gonna float me safely to the ground...I'm waiting for a bush to break my fall!

2004-08-22T21:15:00.000+10:00

The song broken by Seether featuring Amy from Evanescence is the GREATEST. The lyrics arent to die for-i realise that probably because they arent relevant to me...but if you ever need to let some emotion out i recommend just crying out in song along to the melody! It's so healing and releasing! Seriously, go for it!

Last night, with my beautiful and amazing and encouraging and funny and special and insightful and cracks me up and makes me feel better friend Alicia I went to a good friends brothers 21st birthday CELEBRATION at Skiffies on the Spit Bridge! And the best bit....They're Greeks! And so it was SO MUCH FUN! We Greek danced and talked lots AND WE ATE SO MUCH! They just kept bringing round plates of food and eventually they knew that if they wanted to get rid of foot that they should just park next to us! We just kept going...hehehe i was gonna write seriously again then, and decided not to, because I would have way over used it! and we ate SO much dessert...they had the greatest little cakes and real cakes and pavlova....yuuuum!

But the MOST EXCITING TIME OF THE NIGHT ....oh my gosh, SO EXCITING! was when we were talking to our friend's friend since she was knee high to a grass hopper. I'd dropped a few times about going to church and looking forward to bible study on tuesday to Alicia...and all of a sudden this chick says "So what church do you go to?" and we explained and asked where she went and she said she doesnt but shes gonna start and then i asked, oh is it just a social thing and she said well sort of, they've been inviting me along for a while, but i am actually really interested!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Words cannot express the Hallelujah of this! Praise the Lord! That is without a doubt the most exciting thing that happened all weekend!

I have to say though, I love getting dressed up! Its so much fun! But I dont like heals, they make you walk funny and they hurt your feet. And ok, heals make all chicks walk funny, I dont care how long you've worn them for, you have to develop a whole new walking pattern when you wear them! ANd most chicks steps get smaller and they have to move their legs faster! ANd I also noticed that chicks swing their arms more when they wear heals! but dancing in heals is fun! Dont know why, it just is!

2004-08-10T18:06:00.000+10:00

YOU'D THINK I'D LEARN...BUT NO. I'm sitting here reading blogs going...I can study for Japanese later...It's not until saturday, that's plenty of time...ARGH..I'm a slow learner. That's exactly what I said to myself during the holidays over trials...and that's what kept me up until midnight most nights before exams. ARGH!

2004-08-10T17:21:00.000+10:00

Uh Oh!

HSC speaking on Saturday...and Courtney thinks she's sick...hehehe...this'll be fun! I think I have a middle ear infection...bummmer....lots of wanting to throw up and thinking I'm gonna faint! If I sit down to study I feel like my heads gonna fall off! hehehe...man! Seeing Doc tomorrow.

It'll be fine...Im not terribly stressed about it...I think I'm squashing the stress down. I get the feeling if I let myself I could just about go through the roof with my stress levels. But I hope I'm resting in the Lord and not stressing coz of that...

My little bro Andrew is a genius! That kid cracks me up SO much! He's got to be the MOST insightful and perceptive 13 year old BOY that EVER existed! Thanks God!

Funniest thing in Extension English today...Mr Cawsey (our teacher) was talking about how we at Davo have a bit of an advantage over other schools because we have our trials in the first 2 weeks of term three. Whereas other schools have their trials in week 3/4/5, then it takes 2/3 weeks to get their exams back...then you've got another week of school, holidays and then poom ...your their (as in in HSC exams.) And while he was describing this, as the weeks went on and he was desribing what was coming my heart rate rose, breathing intensified and when he said "POOM" I gasped and exclaimed "Don't say it like that!" I must have said it quite desperately because everyone in the class was like "Relax Courtney, its fine...don't stress...breath girl...you right there?" He just described it in such a relaxed way, so quickly effortlessly and every week sounded like it would last two minutes...and then POOM...exams! It made me laugh! (an still is!)

Extreme God moment today! I decided this week that I would give myself a new bible verse to meditate on daily so that God would always be in the forefront of my mind right. And today I pulled out my bible and prayed, you know, GOd if there's a verse you have for me, show me now! And then I bible flopped and it opened up to the last pages of Job. So I read, and was suitably impressed by a verse that went "Who has preceded me that I should pay him? Everything under heaven is Mine." I thought I'd prolly write that down, but I kept reading anyway. And came across a verse where Job says to God "I know that You can do everything And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You." Well, that pleased me greatly! So I wrote both of these verses down..and trotted off to school! On arriving at the front gates I got out of the car and was walking up to the office when I realised "Oh no, that is gonna get in the way of what God was doing...bugga.." And then the verse "And no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You" popped into my mind! I AM SO SUPREMELY PLEASED! Priase the Lord! That just says so much about Him I reckon! For instance, He's always with us. He's always teaching us new things and guiding us. He wants us to know Him more, and so He wants to teach us and stuff. Why would He do it if we werent important to Him if He didnt love us? The Lord's ways and will and timing are the best! The verse says simply, I am all powerful and no matter what happens I can overcome it. AMEN!

I'd so much rather be learning about God than at stupid school learning about World stuff....

PRAISE THE LORD!

2004-08-08T21:12:00.000+10:00

This is gonna sound silly, but was shown in the last couple of days...dwelling in Him, puts EVERYTHING into perspective. It's shown me what to do, what to think, how to feel about things...the reality of different situations and my place in them! Hallelujah!

Everything for the Oak Tree Dinners for Life is falling into place (and cheaply.) Praise the Lord!

Japanese student is here to help me for Saturday HSC Japanese speaking exam...(Praise the Lord!)

Exams coming back...and Courtney has been encouraged to Study! (Praise God)

Prophecies from weekend away coming to pass...and become reality...Praise the Lord!

Answered prayer: I asked that God would show me what Hes been doing in my life...not only am I seeing where God is moving but everything is improving and going well where He's moving. (Funny that!)

YAY GOD!

2004-08-06T15:09:00.000+10:00

Satan has been attacking all my weakest areas this week. Every single wound has been re-opened and every issue has been re-ignited. So in short its been a hard week. The hurts are the hardest though, because they make you just wanna curl up in front of the TV and eat chocolate and other junk food.

Its interesting though, because, its made me realise how much God has done for me...and how in my weaknesses He is strongest.

It's rubbish though...because usually I'd enjoy having time to myself and right now thats the last thing I want.

I have had the most hectic week on top of all this...I reckon God's been keeping me busy. We had the NSW Oak Tree Coordinator come to the school on Thursday...that was fantastic! And we've been getting trials back, and getting ready for the Maebashi students visit...they arrive tomorrow, also, doing Youth Alpha stuff with school...and having Captains meetings to organise our duties in our last term of school...(insert wail here!) And on top of all this...BAD NIGHT IN BAGHDAD!

Exciting thing tho...this is hilarious! This lady I know had a dream about me the other night. A very lovely christian lady dreamt that she was at my wedding! And I was marrying a very very tall, very very hansom, much much older man! She said she could still see his face when she told me! We were sitting there going...what's going on?? This is a bit scary! Only time will tell!

2004-08-01T21:19:00.000+10:00

Its incredible...there is life after trials...go figure! Everyone forgets to tell you that!

2004-07-23T16:56:00.000+10:00

I've discovered that in my life there are people that feed me and people that would probably like to starve me!

Some of my friends like to deprive me of food (particularly chocolate and macdonalds!) and others practically force food down my throat by throwing it at me and encouraging me to match what they are eating!

If at some stage I stopped seeing either groups of these people I would either become very fat or terribly thin....I think I scored a good balance!

Praise the Lord!

2004-07-21T16:55:00.000+10:00

We had our second English exam today...Lauren dropped me home and we sat talking for 20 odd minutes and then we decided that Lauren would stay and that we'd have pizza for lunch! SO we did...but we also had garlic bread and tim tams and coke! Conclusion was that it was such a yr 12 thing to do!

I have burp machine, pizza guzzling, ugg boot destroying dogs as pets!

When Lauren and I came home I found three destroyed...no we found remnants of three destroyed ugg boots...then Lauren and I left two pieces of pizza and half a thing of garlic bread downstairs with the dog (foolishly-luckily we took the tim tams with us) and then I ran down stairs coz I could hear something funky going on and Fran (the mut) had eaten...all of it!

Then later when Lauren and I were sitting on the couch Fran comes and says hello...and we both looked at her to say "hello franny" and there was a silence and then "BURP" It was SO perfect! Can you imagine if a person did that....everyone would be fairly annoyed at you....especially for burping in their faces!

IT WAS PRICELESS! WE had a good long laugh....a well deserved laugh after all our stress!

Praise the Lord for afternoons like this was!

Trials........grrrrrrrrr

2004-07-19T12:40:00.000+10:00

So we had our first exam this morning right...and I think it sounds as though everyone went fine. I got up at 6.30. Exam finished at 10.10 after starting at 8am. After the exm Beck and I were talking whilst waiting for Lauren and it was like -infinity degrees celsius we were both shaking....it was the most I've ever shook in all my life. So anyway after freezing our tuchus' (bums) off for almost an hour I get home...and find my brother still in bed!
AHHHHHHHHHH

I wanted to cry...

I SO WISH I could sleep in...no actually i wish i could sleep in and not stress about the fact that they're sleeping in!

Only 49 days of school left forever...OH HOW SAD!
Actually...they make this last year so stressful its a good thing theres not long to go or we would all die. But I'm gonna miss everyone!

2004-07-17T21:35:00.000+10:00

I have another reason to be angry at study. It destroys my blogging brain!

After you study all you can think about is trigonometry and how many radians there are in 360 degrees....what is an ecosystem and what is a good structure for a world city essay....what is the significance of manifest destiny to America's changing ways between 1898 and 1941...how much were black people abused by them??? Was J Edgar Hoover a crook?

Conclusion: Shakespeare had too much time on his hands....

I think that because I cannot for the life of me believe that people actually talked like that...and also his imagination was SO WAY overactive, because his messages are profound but its not as if that message hasn't been presented by other play writes and novelists over the years and he does it in such random round about sort of ways.

Anyway...Sorry...The life (wait) the absence of the life of a year 12 student!

I love AFL so much...or do I? Because I do like the game and I really understand it...but maybe that's why I like it...And maybe that's why I care about it...Because if I think about it, watching sports is a pretty pointless exercise. It achieves nothing and while it is SO MUCH FUN to go to the games and scream and rant and rave with the rest of the crowd...It really has no meaning...For the viewer...It has meaning for the players because its their lives...And their livelihoods...But for everyone else...Pretty much no meaning.

Having said all this I will continue to watch AFL and scream and carry on because it is SO MUCH FUN!

Trials start of Monday...I'm starting to flip out! ahhh

2004-07-13T16:16:00.000+10:00

Patience is a virtue!

But how do you live in patience?

Studying not so successful today...I am starved for a good conversation...this is like the first day of the whole holidays I haven't dnm'd with someone...AHHHH!

2004-07-10T08:24:00.000+10:00

First of all I have to say...I love Blogging!

The other thing is that I was reading over all my blogs from since I started blogging almost 2 months ago...and I read the one entitled...A little Reminder for Me...and it says that when i'm feeling hurt again by this relationship I can read back over this and remember that God is still there and working and stuff...and I feel so much better for reading it again! Because I've been hurt again....and what I had hoped it would do it did...so yay God!

ALso....Make a joyful shout to the Lord all the Lands! He brought the rain! Hallelujah!

Today is gonna be a good day or a bad day. Everything I am doing today could go really badly or really good....I can just see it now....But I really want everything to go really good.

I'm having a friend over to study maths in like 10 minutes (yeh it's bloody early!) and that could go good or bad for many reasons...and then I'm taking my brothers Timothy shopping...that could be supremely bad or very good...and with our history it is more likely that it will be bad....help God...and then I am going to the footy with my family tonight (when i say footy I mean AFL because I was brought up in Melbourne and I firmly believe it to be better than all other codes...and yes I will argue with anyone about that.) Now that could be bad because we could lose...it could be bad because some old man could grab my bottom like they have before...it could be bad because the family could fight....it could be good even if we do lose because we could have lots of fun...All I can do is wait and see...and pray God into every situation because then it will go as well as can be expected!

...

2004-07-09T19:29:00.000+10:00

Last night was one of the funniest nights of my life....well maybe it was...maybe it wasnt...but its funny now, because I look back and remember how tired I was....and that makes me laugh!

And ok...conclusion...DO NOT EVER listen to my directions! Ever ever ever....if you ever ever ever are in a car with me...DO NOT follow my directions...because I was on the right track as to which lane Lauren should be in...but umm...some how, we ended up on a Loading Dock at Homebush and heading towards some hospital out at woop woop. Good thing Liz was there!

I should explain where I was...Liz Lauren and I went to hoembush for the Hillsong thingamybob...and the drive there was fun...and it was fun while we were there...but i was sitting there critacising a lot of stuff...and like ok, sometimes its good to not accept everything you hear and see right...but i got to the stage where i really didnt feel as though I could even appreciate it for the good that it was. So I stopped myself. the thing that I cannot make up my mind what I felt about it...was that they did this whole thing about how Mel Gibson had done such wonderful work with 'The Passion' and they had his brother there to accept a plaque on his behalf and there was some other stuff too... I can't decide whether that was a big fat suck up job or if it was truly heartfelt and stuff. Gibsons brother seemed to truly be very grateful for what they did and stuff...and he spoke amazingly about Jesus. I couldnt see any resemblance between them though (as brothers).

We had fun shlepping around Homebush before returning to the car and (eventually) missioning to maccas. i've never seen so much of hornsby before! and I wont remember any of it either bcause it was dark!
But its a good thing I was out there the other week, because I was able to give some constructive driving directions on the way home!

And I had the most laziest day of my life today....pretty much. i did no study and really didnt attempt it at all i slept and watched tv instead.

Something I've noticed recently though, no matter what I do in my day...no matter how much time I do or dont spend with God...by the end of the day, when I am realising I really should have made more of an effort to spend time with Him, I am so reassured that He is all powerful, completely trustworthy, mighty, awesome, dependable, loving...bust most of all...that He's got me, no matter what...no matter where I am, no matter how I've stuffed up, or how I've been hurt or anything...just no matter what...He is it. And no matter where I'm at...happy/sad/angry/or just plain meh...that is SO reassuring...and it makes everything okay.

2004-07-07T21:30:00.000+10:00

Oh Life!

God's funny...the more you think about Him, the more beyond comprehension He is! Today my thought was wow...He has done so much in my short life. Even when I didnt know Him, he was working on me and blessing me and loving me. I just think that's incredible...man, He is so patient and so loving and I admire Him for continuing to love people when they ignore Him, reject Him, curse Him...and everything else, because I think in life its SO hard to love people that reject you, it hurts so much...and its so much easier to love the people that love you back...and so I admire HIm for having enough self confidence (yeh I know that sounds funnny) to go around loving everyone and doing it without shame, without embarressment...in fact proudly, because man, how hurt would we get if we did that...that makes Him SO much more amazing to me!

I have to say though, that the thing that has stood out to me today whilst I've been thinking, is how amazing some of the people He's created are. There have been people who I have loved so much because its unavoidable in my life and I am in disbelief that he actually brought them into my life. My biggest (earthly) role model has been my Nanna. She died a couple of years ago, but I remember her so well. She was my biggest influence in my faith...the thing that I was most excited about when I became a christian besides the fact that I knew GOd, was that...well, my Nanna had been praying for me, my Nanna knew Jesus and we were gonna go to heaven together and worship God together one day...I had something so precious in common with my Nanna, something that I knew was so important to her...we had that in common. And that is still so special. She only talked about her faith a little...she never went in depth with me...but by the few things she said, you knew that she was in it because she lived it. So profoundly. Well at least I thought so. She really lived in Jesus' love. I know she wasnt perfect, but I never saw her do anything wrong. She was 1 Corinthians 13...well ok, maybe not perfectly that, but if anyone's ever come close, that's what I saw in her. She's was that person in my life that I was always SO excited about people meeting. The person that you love so much that they could never embarress you and that you just wanted everyone that was special to you to know, because they were so important to you. I always wanted everyone to know her, and that want was probably amplified by the fact that she lived in Adelaide and while I was born there, I was brought up in Melbourne, so no one ever got to meet her. And then we moved to Sydney and she was further away. And once I had made my friends I wanted them to know her as well...but her and Pop were too frail to ever make the trip to Sydney to see us here. It was one of the most nerve-wracking yet exciting times of my life when my best friend of 2/3 years came to Adelaide with us and met her. They loved each other...and I loved that.

I cant wait to get to heaven to introduce her to all the people who were important to me in my earthly life and I wanna meet all the people from her life too. Especially her mum, because I never heard much about her because she died when she gave birth to Nanna.

So the question raised is...why did I get to know her? Why was she my Nanna?? Why was she such a massive part of my life...because she was so amazing...why did I get to know her? Im stunned and grateful! In disbelief.

And there are so many poeple that I feel that way about. And its bizarre and wonderful that I know these people because..well, I didnt use to live in Sydney....and a lot of these people have come from all over the place! Why, did we move to Sydney? Why did we move to this area? Why did God lead us here and to the schools that we're at? How did he land all these people in my life and what's he doing with us? WHy do I get to be so blessed to know them all? I am just astounded...I feel so blessed, because i dont deserve it. And God's done it in spite of me and in spite of that.

I wanna know what He's doing...Why He's doing it...I wanna know His plans...because they're exciting. The more exciting thing of all that is though, that one day we will all know His plans for our lives because they will come to pass! I like that! So not, only will we live what he's doing, it'll happen at the perfec time!

The other thing about God, is that the more you discover Him the more you realise you have nothing to worry about! Life is SO carefree in Jesus!

2004-07-01T13:22:00.000+10:00

Max Lucado is my new favourite author. He's written this book called "a Love worth giving" and its all about 1 Corinthians 13. WOW, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow! Its amazing...God's love is amazing! It's so encouraging and after the amazingness of the messages in the book, there is amazingness in how it landed before my eyes! I got slightly distressed before school the other day....really didnt wanna go to class because i was afraid (long story) and so I'm like right I need a christian buddy..and so I went and got my friend Liz Coy (her dad is the minister of Terry Hills Anglican) and I knew where she was gonna be so thats why i went after her. And I was like..."ahh help me!" and she was like, ok lets pray. So we did...and she comes up to me the next day at school and says "here I just finished reading this book and i think you'll really like it" and OH MY GOODNESS! It was so amazing because like no more than two days before (if that) I had prayed that GOd would teach me how to love poeple his way.... And then I get this book...the more I read the more perfect God is revealed to me to be. And I know thats a funny statement...because well how many levels of perfection are there. But for me there's a big difference between knowing how God is perfect and then discovering all the ways that he is perfect...does that make sense? And there are things that I guess in a sense I was worried about to do with God's love...but its PERFECT...100% completely covers everything you could ever think...or be worried about... God's thought of it all...and the concerns you have he knows and has thought about and devised the perfect conclusion...way out...solution...etc!

There's a difference between knowing that what God does/is/has planned (etc) is perfect and then actually being shown that it is perfect.

I have 5 periods of school left this term....I know I'll get through it but MAN is it gonna be hard. I have one to go today...and that will be over in less than an hour and a half...but man...everyone is SO tired...and we are ALL struggeling....

I've discovered that the idea of struggeling to get through the days is a bizarre phenomenon. Because you can feel really bad emotionally/physically right, but you still get through everything...and its almost more that things are REALLY unenjoyable than actually being hard...Does that make sense? Because when you're sick and trying to work, its hard to think...but when your tired everything becomes harder but almost all that does is make what you have to do more unenjoyable than it usually is. And we are all SO tired and struggeling heaps to get to the end of the term even though its like a day away...Everyones so over it all...and i feel really sorry for everyone because
There are a lot of people that don't have Jesus to get them through
and also, the whole situation is really sucky, because its not as if anyone is struggeling because they're done the wrong thing...its just that we've been trying to do the right thing, get our work done and thats why we're tired and stressed...and so the fact that we're struggeling from doing the right things is really hard.

Oh but thats the other conclusion that I came to the other day. And it showed me more how God is perfect. The conclusion was that Jesus' death is testament to the fact that sometimes doing God's will, will cause pain and suffering. And sometimes thats what God calls us to do...Sometimes its the only way. Its gotta be a last resort though. If God could have found a way around sacrificing His son he would have, but it was the only way...and there has to be situations in life where the same is true. There is only one way and its gonna suck. But at the end of it all...God's purposes and everything makes it SO worthwhile....And no matter how hard that is to admit at the time...if God has taught you a painful message...it had to be worthwhile...it had to be had and you WILL look back one day and go "that was worth it" and that is really hard to say at the time...

Thats all I got today I think...

2004-06-25T15:30:00.000+10:00

I had the GREATEST DAY! I had to go out to Hornsby to visit someone and I was only there for an ABSOLUTE maximum of ten minutes (can you imagine my displeasure.) I sat 45 minutes through traffic and streets that I dont know and a drive that consequently scares me...For a ten minute..thingy! The whole morning would have been a waste of my precious time as a year 12 student...IF I had not gone shopping afterwards! It was so exciting....I had parked in Hornsby shops and so once I was done I went shopping! and OFFICIALLY that is the GREATEST shopping complex! It was SO MUCH FUN! Because this year all my shopping has been strategically pre-meditated and only when I absolutely need something BUT TODAY IT WASNT AND IT WAS SO GREAT!

And also...because I get scared by roads that I dont know...and so I rely on God to get me there and back and to take away my fear, I got to spend a morning talking to Him and relying on him...And it was SO much fun...because now I just know how reliable He is! That's a good lesson for when your prayers dont get answered the right way i reckon...because I can just look back and go "Ok, that definately didnt turn out the way I'd hoped, but I remember the time God got me to Hornsby and back and he did that as best he could, so he'd be doing this the best way he knows how as well!"

I know it seems trivial and silly and a well..."Way to state the obvious Courtney!" But its so exciting when you really KNOW that you can just trust God. And as I have stated previously...trusting things that havent really been proven to me is hard I find...So basically...I'm excited!

And I reckon I need to be hit over the head with a mallet because I'm still not studying and I have one term and 1 week of year 12 left. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? Why don't I care? And if I do care then why do I procrastinate so much? Like right now...this is procrastination!

So...thats all I got now...because I have to do one of three assignments due next week that are all practically unstarted! Wish me luck!

Stating the Obvious

2004-06-24T13:29:00.000+10:00

Officially...over all the hurt in the world...over all the injustice....over the hardness of people....over selfishness....over pain....pain brought about by selfishness and pain brought about by love...over society's judgement of people....

I just wonder why we can't have more compassion for everyone...why can't we step out of boxes long enough to recognise that we are not the only ones here...that there are other people that need help, that are suffering too....Even when we try to do the right thing...people get hurt...I just wish we could get it right....but well the whole imperfection thing gets in the way.

Society has SO many problems...caring about how straight you hair is...or caring about who's in which group at school-these trivial things cause SO many people SO much anxt....what significance do they have, except that when it rains you hair will go curly again and school groups are just a way of separating people...about as significant as separating people by hair colour. How are people SO selfish as to care about these things...because there is SO much true suffering and true unavoidable pain in the world...WHY do we occupy ourselves with such trivial matters? Because we are unintentionally causing ourselves AND OTHERS more pain and suffering by caring about these. How insignificant do they become when you realise that one day your closest friends will hurt you...not intentionally but it happens. And that doesnt make them bad people...its just that on this earth there is nothing and no one that we can attach ourselves to that will not let us down. And that is a sad fact...but its the truth....and while it sucks it reveals the true glory of God. Because there are some amazing beautiful people on this earth that are so wow! And we all have people in our lives that we love SO much...but they have the capability of hurting us too...because they're human. And it doesnt mean we should stop loving them...it just is a sad reality...And if these people are SO amazing and beautiful...imagine how much more WOWING our Father is! (That's exciting!)

I don't want anyone to think that I'm depressed or anything...or that I've just figured out that yeh this stuff sucks...Coz I've known for a while...and its a fact of life and you live in it and recognise the suckiness but you keep going...and I know that a lot of my blogs recently have been not happy...BUT GOD IS SO GREAT AND WONDERFUL...and despite the hard times and how long the hard times last he still gives me SO many reasons to smile!

Current favourite passage that has great meaning and that excites me...
"I CAN do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."

Oh AND....Bring on heaven!

A Little Reminder for me...

2004-06-15T19:14:00.000+10:00

I'm bloggin this so that in a couple of weeks when I'm feeling down again I can read this and go "You know what, even though I feel like crap and even though I've been hurt...again...God is still great...God is still working...God still will do wonderful, spectacular things, that will make me excited because they are great blessings that I never saw coming...and even though that person has made me feel really really horrible, God still loves me and He still has plans and stuff..."

So recently this relationship that I've had for a while now has gone down the dunny...pretty much! I don't know if they feel the same way, but I've been hurt. And it's really been getting to me, because I'm hurting lots and am confused and have lots of different emotions surfacing and I feel like I want and need a resolution from God now, I want him to take away these horrible feelings now... And I know that God will never dump me in a situation that I cannot handle and so I have rested in that but still been really...God help me, every two minutes. So anyway, something else happened and I got hurt by this relationship AGAIN...and so now I'm really, "oh God the whole situation really sucks for me now...I just feel dirty. Why did you bring this person into my life if all I was gonna get was hurt by them?" And even though there have been lots of good times, they cannot erase the hurt that I'm feeling. And that's really hard... But then on Sunday, this wonderful person called Hayley was confirmed and so we've had some interesting God talks recently about that...and also she was invited along to the intercessory prayer we were doing for the scripture seminars today....and so this relationship has started blossoming in the last week or two...and it fully bloomed just now when we were talking and explaining how the prayer time came in God's timing for her, and he fixed it so that she would be there because it was a big learning curve for her...and I have felt so blessed and appreciative of her keenness in being a part of praying today. And so just to know that God has really blessed us through what each other have been doing lately, just to know that even though we've never been great friends or talked about God much, or acknowledged to a great extent that we share the same faith, the fact that God has moved in this relationship...in a place that I never looked very deeply into...makes me feel special... because its come at a time that I've needed something to lift my spirit and its come at the right time for her too...So God planned this for us, and wanted to bless us like this...and I am so encouraged and I have so much grateful love and adoration for God for this...because he knows how much I've been hurting and so he arranged this for me and her for and its SO SPECIAL...

2004-06-14T16:07:00.000+10:00

OK, so I've decided there is such a thing as female intuition. I've been brought up by skeptics. My parents, as much as I love them, need to see to believe... They take an interesting approach to the bible such as
-the idea of Jesus' second coming (because he comes through the clouds) is so far fetched that his second coming was actually his Resurrection?!?!
That's just an example of what I've been brought up with, and their skepticism has its positives-sometimes its great because it means that I have never really launched myself into anything without thinking about it, such as when people tried to levitate people at birthday parties through witchcraft I always went...YEH WATEVA...
And at the same time its made faith in a God really difficult...Because when I get down to thinking about it....Really thinking about it, I think, yeh the keyboard I'm using to type this, this is real, and so is the computer, and glass which contains my water which I will drink in a minute-its all real...But a God???? No matter who he is....A God??? The concept is so incomprehensible I get to a point of such "how can that be" that I go, "this isn't healthy" and so I say, "God help, if your real I want to believe." (I've been asking this same questions for years and the exciting thing is that I still believe.)

But back to the female intuition thing, it comes back to a gut feeling that I get a lot as things come up...Like, man I really get the feeling that that relationship is gonna start going down hill....Or when there's an event coming up and you can just tell that its gonna go off, or its gonna suck for whatever reason....But its like you can just tell and then it happens and you go...."hmmmm." I don't think its a bad thing, its just interesting. And what I wanna know now is how can I utilize this...You know? But I guess the only way to do this is by asking God for guidance and that it would be his will... So then I reckon that because I'd try to use this intuition for my advantage and for what I want that its probably best that I don't try and utilize it... The other thought I had about it was that it could be a way that God prepares us for stuff...Because I reckon sometimes if I didn't have these gut feelings I'd be so unprepared for something that it wouldn't be cool....

There really was no point to that blog, its just something that's been running through my mind lately...

Something so much more worthwhile blogging is what happened with peeps at Ian Mckellan's talk on Friday night. There were a couple of non-Christians there one named David and the other called Sheridan and they were both moved/changed by what he said. Sheridan admitted to being a bit of an atheist but since listening to that he said that he's more open to God being real and really seemed to think he was and is interested in coming along to church. Because what we sort said was that its hard to know what to do with that...When you think God's real and are interested but the question remains "What do I do with that..." So he was encouraged to come along to church sometime and said that he will! Praise the Lord!
davids the other guy, and this friendship has surprised me, because I never saw it coming and its not like we're real close, but we are comfortable around each other and so we've had some really random dnms! Not in topic because they're good topics but they're random because they come out of no where when they happen but we really get into the conversation. David lives out at woop woop and just happens to be the Captain of Davidson this year and so he couldn't go home after school on Friday so he and I spent a few good hours together before Ian's talk. We've talked about God before and it wasn't until Friday that I thought our friendship may actually be a God given thing and one that God will use... So on Friday Dave came and listened intently and when we went back to my place after we were talking about it all. I tell him exactly what I think, which is unusual for me with non-Christians because I'm so afraid of saying that wrong thing that I don't speak my mind...But I guess God really relaxed me and we just talked and kept talking and it turns out Dave's really open to the reality of God. He wants God to be real but he doesn't understand how people can just know that he is...And so I explained about the revelations that God brings and that's how people KNOW God's real... (right now I'm really hoping that I don't get a comment from someone telling me that that's not true.) and then I encouraged him to go with him wanting God to be real and to read his bible and ask people questions and to not be afraid of this and to pray to God...AND THIS WAS EXCITING...Because he said "Well I do actually pray!" So we kept talking...And talking and when he left it was just so AHHHH! YAY GOD! AHHHH!

And it just goes to show that God wants everyone to know him...Not just the people that we pick that we want to know God...And that God will surprise you with stuff and that there are people out there really searching for God and that God knows this and does bring people into their life to give em a shove in the right direction....

So Amen!

And on another exciting topic, Alicia, Jade (chick from school), Scott and myself went to a confirmation at St Davids last night. Our friend's name is Hayley and she's been brought up in a Christian family and has faith that has been inspirational to me over the years. Because she's always just been there and been a Christian and we haven't always talked about God heaps but since she's always been around I've always seen her living in her faith and she was the confirmed last night... Wow....I really don't know how to explain how exciting it is! It's just so wow! And yay! And exciting! And Thanks God! I get so excited and then I think how excited God must be! And that's even more exciting! It was a really nice service...We discovered that the jokes that ministers make are a lot of the time only relevant to members of the church...Which is fine and it makes for a really lovely community atmosphere...But it was funny to sit there and listen to everyone else burst out laughing and just go "yeh...Ha...Ha!" The other thing that is so noticeable about St Stephens is the worship because its different to other Anglican churches and similar denominations. What's good to see though is that no matter where you go, people get into the worship as much as they want to, whether all they whisper the words, or whether they dance and jump around, you can see their hearts going with what they're saying and doing. That's such a beautiful thing.... And a funny note...Was that the pews were wooden, straight backed and there was about as much leg room as you get in economy class! So for those of us who have been blessed with long legs...It made for a comfortable hour and a half!! LOL! It was a really nice night...Encouraging and hayley was so excited by it all and that so many people were there to support her! So praise the Lord!

2004-06-09T18:10:00.000+10:00

This is just a quick blog before I leave for singing because I havent blogged for SO long....
but recently, I have been doing lots of assignments and now that I have finished those I have been handed lots more! yay!

And I have come to the conclusion that if anyone asks me to do anything from now on Im gonna say no unless I think god is leading me to doing it...because this last 3 weeks has been hectic because I have said yes to doing too much this year and coinciding with my assessments there has been great stress...and many late nights and now great tiredness! I don't want to have to say no, because I like being busy, but I haven't started studying any subjects yet and that's starting to stress me out so chronically...SO its not that I wanna be a mean cow or that I don't want to do stuff, its that I feel like I cant anymore...so yeh....

Next week at school is the scripture seminars and we're oerganising the year 12 christians for intercessory prayer and its so way exciting! yay! This I feel as though god is leading me to organising people so that was fine!

Some Mixed Emotions?!?!?

2004-05-27T18:21:00.000+10:00

So I've come to the realisation that school really gets in the way of learning. If I didnt have to go to school then i could get so much done instead of going to school getting more to do, going home getting stressed because I realise how much I actually have to do and THEN feeling so sick that I can't do anything because I'm dying...ok everything really isnt that bad....sometimes but not everyday...its more that school takes up so much of ur day that by the time I get home I CANNOT be bothered and I'd rather sleep. I wanna know...why couldn't I have done my HSC when I was in yr 7 and 8 because back then I was motivated! And in yr 9 and 10 I discovered that it doesnt matter if you don't do ur homework and since then I have not been able to pull myself out of this massive, fatty, black dingy hole thing that is swallowing me up, that has no foot holes and is about to close off all my chances of not wasting my time this yr. ARGH....basically....
Can you tell that I didn't get much done today?

On a much happier topic....coz its God! hehehe, he revealed to me the other week at bible study that if I strive for him, then everything else will fall into place....the only problem is if I've spent a day not striving for him then I get home and I can't do work so .... yeh.... not sure how this works yet....but we'll get there...and in 6 months it'll all be over!

Oh My Gosh...how sad am I already about finishing school...it's not like I enjoy learning and stuff, I do enjoy going to class because they're fun (most of them) but I don't wanna say goodbye to everyone. I've already started crying for leaving! And on the day of our last assembly when i have to give a farewell speech I will get up there, and my face will be swollen and red and I'll try to talk and no one will be able to understand me.... Actually the other week in an assembly, there was a pictorial of all the activities that the school has and provides for students and I found myself choking on a lump that was forming in my throat and praying that the tears that had formed in my eyes would disappear without falling from my eyes.

Ok, so after reading its fairly obvious that, "Dude she really needs to trust God!" but he's given me a lot of peace recently on these things....and trust is definately greater than it was......6 months ago!

Thanking Lauren...

2004-05-24T22:07:00.000+10:00

This blog is entirely dedicated to Lauren! She is the ONLY reason I am bloggin away right now! She has spent what would have taken me HOURS and what I know didn't take her five minutes creating me a blog! I have a general disdain for computers and anything that I don't know how to use takes me hours to master, so creating a blog would never have happened because I do not have patience and I probably would have ended up lighting my computer on fire, or hurling it into the national park across the road! So when you read this Lauren....Thank you for providing me with this privilege!

Something that has been encouraging me IMMENSELY lately are the people in my life...It's like CHer says on clueless "then I realised all my friends are really good in different ways!" I honestly feel like my friends are the greatest blessings I have and I feel so privileged to know the people that I know and that God has brought them into my life...

And on another HALLELUJAH moment...God has been so good to me...Because I have a lovely, fabulous, wonderful, helpful, productive habit of leaving all my assignments to the last minute! I've done it since yr 9 and I haven't broken the habit yet. And so I spent all Saturday working on my Modern History for Monday (today), and now, I have a week in which to write a speech and 2 weeks in which to do Geography research assignment (which will be fat and that I have had for like 3 weeks already)and another speech and then ONLY reason that I am not rushing to complete these in 2 days is because of the extensions that God got other people to request and the strikes which he so kindly placed on the days that they are due! You see I did a bit of a Bart Simpson a couple of days ago and said the "I know I don't deserve it but if there is anyway you can get me extensions or more time to spend on these please do..." And he did both! So I'm FULLY pumped!

courtney smells

2004-05-24T17:31:00.000+10:00

everybody should know before she starts, courtney has an odour problem...